There were millions of others swimming past me, wanting to get through.
I wanted to know what drew the crowd. It excited me, forced me to get to the centre. They told me it was tough. “Only the best could approach the cynosure.” But that sparked a little something in me. If so many people wanted it, I wanted it too. Peer pressure was everything back then, I guess.
Had I ever made a dumber decision, I honestly know not. (Taking science in 11th was my second dumbest decision ..) But I went on and on that day. I did what I wanted to. I fused. Everything felt different. I was growing before I knew it, but growth also led to divisions. Divisions led to progress. I developed a heart. It kept beating in its cage. Why? I’m still trying to find out.
And today? I’m a clichéd teenager. Depressed, sleep deprived, moody, turbulent blah blah. I’m tired. If you’ve got expectations, deal with it. I’m not wired like you. I can’t be you.
If only I hadn’t chosen to win that day, I wouldn’t be existent today. Something I question daily. And now, when those million others rest in peace, I’m still stuck in a weird place where everyone wants to do their best, but peer pressure doesn’t get to me anymore because it did once, and I don’t want to stay messed up anymore.
This is my reflection, manipulated by an endless list of things.
Nevertheless, I don’t regret my choice, not completely. I still want to win. If not for that day, I wouldn’t have what I have today. Fellow beings that support me, eyes that open to indescribable sights, a mind that thinks thoughts that I doubt are mine, a life that I wouldn’t trade for peace… Today, I live for chaos. I endure chaos.
Why?
The chaos I go through today brings hope for tomorrow, memories of yesterday and a reason to live today. This is what I chose and this is what defines me.
Alpaca's: 